Good Evening, I'm Delighted ..

memoirs of the unrefined enfoiré : a hospitality diary.


some names and identifying references have been changed to protect the confidentiality and privacy of all individuals involved.
please enjoy !
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05.2014

She was back.  Staring Ned right in the face, spewing lies.  Lie on top of lie on top of lie!  It was a new day and she had nothing but time to fester and create new issues to complain about, you could hear her shouting about them across the Front Desk from within our office. Demanding? That was an understatement.  She wanted complimentary parking, breakfast and dinner, access to our Internet services, access to our club lounge and a compensated night’s stay for every individual in her wedding party. All of this because she was put on hold.. well, prior to her reaching the front desk that was all it was about.  By now she had compounded a list of things to strengthen her non-existent argument. 

Ned: Who spoke with Mrs. Feldstern? Did you speak with her?

Sanchez:  I did.. and Gertrude got the second call. What’s wrong?

Ned: Okay, did you hang up the phone on her? Because this lady is saying that someone put her on hold for two hours and then hung up on her..

            Oh, so now it’s two hours ..

Gertrude: None of that occurred.  We received two phone calls from her. 

Sanchez: The first call, she asked for a manager and I tried to help, she said she wanted to speak with you immediately. I put her on hold to connect the call to you and she hung up.

Gertrude: She called back and spoke with me, I apologized and connected her to you. That was it. 

He walked outside to confront the ever so pleasant mother of the bride only to offer her complimentary Internet and apologize for her “experience.” My assumption. It wasn’t over.

Phones ringing!

“Good Evening, I’m delighted!”

“Yes, it’s my husbands birthday tomorrow and I want to do something nice for him. How much are your suites per night?”

“We have three options available. Our Palatial suite runs an additional $200 on top of your rate, the Illustrious suite runs for an additional $100 on top of your nightly rate and our Villa suite is an additional $50.00 on top of your rate.

“You don’t have a complimentary suite?”

(Similar to most, we are in the business of making money.. So I don’t believe that type of suite exists,  but I digress.)

“No ma’am, all of our suites are considered upgrades and have prices that vary according to your choice.”

“So you can’t do anything for my husband for his birthday?”

“I can offer you one of our King rooms with a beautiful view of city!”

“Thank you.”

Vinny: Have you guys seen Priscilla?

Maude/Gertrude/Sanchez: Nope.

Vinny: She just will not stay at the desk and I have to go to the restroom-

Maude: I’ll cover you! Go ahead..

Priscilla. Ew. No one in the office liked her, she was never at the desk to do her job and loved to go to our restaurant’s bar and lounge to flirt with the guests.  She should have applied there if she wanted to be up there so much, but I guess at 29 that wasn’t her ideal situation.  However, she was a pretty girl, short petite frame with glowing skin and … yea that’s about it.  She was bossy, with a nasty attitude.  To make matters worse, she loved to pinpoint the flaws in everyone and made an effort to bring it up anytime she felt it was appropriate, which was never. 

Sanchez: Let’s go find the bitch..

Gertrude: Lets.

Sanchez: You know she’s going to be at the lounge..

Maude: Back! What’d I miss?

Gertrude: We’ll be right back..

Maude: Where are you guys going? Wtf, I want to go too?!

Sanchez: Watch the cameras!  Text us if you see anything, we’re headed to the lounge.

It took us about 15 minutes to make it through the annoying crowd of drunk people and avoid being trampled over by women in 5” heels they can barely walk in.  The lounge did not look as exciting as is typically is on a Saturday night, but it was still relatively busy.

Gertrude: She’s not up here.

Sanchez: It’s boring up here?! It’s Saturday, what’s going on?

Gertrude: I don’t know, but I have the key to the closet, we can get some snacks!

Sanchez: Well let’s go then!

Before we could come off the elevator and turn the corner to access the snack closet, we hear voices and I snatch her back.

Gertrude: Shhh!! … listen..

Sanchez: Is that Alamidge?

Gertrude: Yes!! And he’s talking to Priscilla!!

Sanchez: What are they saying?

Phone’s Ringing

“Good Evening, I’m Delighted!”

“Who am I speaking to?”

“This is Maude speaking!”

“Maude, this is Mrs. Feldstern, I am the mother of the bride. I need someone to come up here and steam my daughter’s wedding dress immediately.”

“Unfortunately, Mrs. Feldstern, we do not offer those services.  We-“

“What do you mean you don’t offer those services?! WHO IS GOING TO STEAM HER DRESS! SHE GET’S MARRIED IN A FEW HOURS!”

“As employees of the hotel we are not authorized to steam dresses, we don’t want to held liable if the dress is damaged –“

“WHERE IS THE MANAGER!”

Sanchez: Did he just say meet him in room 2201??

Gertrude: Yes he did!

Sanchez: At 10:17? What .. we have to go up there.

Gertrude: Isn’t that room connected to 2203..

Sanchez: Yeah!  You think its vacant??

Gertrude: Let’s see ..

Maude is pissed, it’s obvious.  I’m sure its another frustrating guest, what’s new. 

Gertrude: What’s wrong with you?

Maude: That bitch called back, seriously, she’s crazy .. they don’t pay me enough for this!

Sanchez: That Feldstern lady?

Maude: YES!!

Sanchez: Listen, we saw Alamidge down by the Banquets office talking to Priscilla! 

Gertrude: They made plans to meet in room 2201 tonight, around like 10:15 !

Maude: What?!

Sanchez: Yes!  Nasty! In the hotel .. but .. room 2203 is occupied!

Gertrude: So what. We can still sabotage!

Maude: How?

Gertrude: We take our lunches around that time! Maude you leave at 9:50..Tell Vinny to take his lunch at 10:00 and she’ll have to stay at the Front Desk..

Sanchez: Perfect …That’s perfect!

2 months ago with 0 notes

05.2014

image

Fully occupied and a catastrophic menagerie that we are fortunate enough to be catering to in our four hundred and three room plush, luxury asylum.. Inclusive of an excitingly scandalous Front Desk personnel, a kitchen crew.. some housekeepers..a couple studs in security to make things appear legit and a team of Valet. You see, every so often society sends us a colorful array of asshole rejects and we have to cater to their idiocy, make them feel good about their epidemic of dysfunction, reward them for having it and then send them back into the world to go shit on someone else’s day.


Maude: Phone’s ringing! It’s your turn..

- bleh! Who knows.. I might be safe this time right? It’s like a game of Russian Roulette customer service style. We always take turns, the three of us, and every phone call is like taking a risk of what asshole we’re going to have the pleasure of disliking.

"Good evening, I’m delighted!"
"Yea, how much is your valet parking?"
"Our parking services vary in cost between $10.00 and $30.00 hourly and our overnight fee is $38.00."
"Ummmmm.. So is that $38.00 for every night?"
"Yes sir, for every night that your vehicle is parked in Valet you will be charged $38.00."
"And then I can just pay at the Front Desk?"
"Yes sir."
"And that’s $38.00 a night per night? Or…"
…. Hm. So clearly he’s dense. But alright!

Sanchez: “You won’t believe what I saw today..”
Maude: [laughs] Ohhhhh..
Gertrude: (that’s me by the way!) What is it about?
Sanchez: Guess.
Gertrude: No. Is it somebody or something?
Sanchez: It’s somebodiesss.. like you’ll never guess.

*Phone’s ringing.*
Maude: Fuck!
Gertrude: Its your turn.
Sanchez: I’ll get it.
Maude: No!

"Good Evening, I’m delighted!"
"Yes, can I be transferred to Valet?"

Sanchez: So I’m cleaning the office and a text comes through Gladys phone. And guess who’s name popped up with hearts by it..
Gertrude:
Maude: Ned..
Sanchez: Alamidge
Gertrude: EW!
Maude: She has a boyfriend??
Sanchez: That’s exactly my point! The next time it comes through I’m going to read it..

*Phone’s ringing.*
Ned, that’s our manager. A certified creep with a weird nervous tick where he randomly thrusts his pelvis forward. It’s subtle, but strong so you have to be on point to catch it! He stares at you with these weird beady eyes that burn into your soul and undress you. Probably why his pelvic thrusts forward. Who knows. He’s short, he’s stumpy and he’s got big juicy frog lips with no neck and a juicy wide hips that jiggle when he walks. Yuck.
Alamidge is this young gym rat, working in Security that everyone suspects is gay. Wouldn’t even matter, if he didn’t try and sex every woman we work with. He’s short, muscular with pretty teeth and a tight butt…He also twitches, but I’m sure that’s irrelevant.

*Phone’s ringing.*
"Good Evening, I’m delighted!"
"I’m the mother of the bride, and I want to speak to a manager right now."
"I understand, may I ask what is issue is pertaining to? Maybe I could be of assistance…"
"No you cannot."
"My pleasure, give me one moment while I get a manager for you ma’m."
"I DON’T want to be put on hold. I am in room 1301 and I want room 1304. NOW! I need to be close to my daughter! She’s getting married tomorrow and we need to be across from each other."
"Absolutely, I understand your frustration, however that room is currently occupied and I am showing your room is connecting to your daughters, so -"
"What’s your name?"
"It’s Sanchez."
"I don’t want to speak with you, I want to speak with your manager."
"My pleasure, hold please."

Sanchez: Here we fucking go.
Gertrude: What is it?
Sanchez: This chic on the phone is bitching, I don’t have time for this today? I’m about to connect her to Ned’s ass.
Maude: She hung up. She’s not on hold anymore..

*Phone’s ringing.*
Maude: That’s her!
Gertrude: Nuh uh..
Sanchez: It’s your turn!
Gertrude: That’s your lady!

"Good Evening, I’m delighted!"
"What’s your name?"
"My name’s Gertrude!"
"Yea, okay. Well, Gertrude I told the person before you I did NOT want to be put on hold and that I wanted to speak with a manager. She had me on hold for 30 minutes and I’m UPSET! -"
*I set the headset down and mute the call.”

Gertrude: You put her on hold for 30 MINUTES, Sanchez! That is unacceptable!
Sanchez: 30 Minutes? Is she serious?
Gertrude: Yea! Call Ned..
Maude: What is she saying?
Gertrude: Who cares ..

"Certainly, I understand how that can be upsetting and we should have never put you on hold if you have requested not to. Please allow me to connect you directly with Ned, as he is awaiting your call."
"AND WHO IS NED?"
"Ned is the manager."
"Connect me to him."

Sanchez: What is this fool’s name?
Gertrude: It doesn’t matter ..
Maude: She’s going to call back.. leave notes on her reservation!
A phone vibrates, and it’s Gladys’s cell phone.
Gertrude: It’s unlocked!
Sanchez: Read it !
Gertrude: You read it!
*As she prepares to touch the phone to open the text, we hear someone enter their key card to open the office door and everyone jumps to do something. Gladys checks her phone and starts smiling like some 21 year old who just tasted alcohol for the first time. Sanchez and I look over at each other, Maude is checking for her expression and she walks back out to the Front Desk, phone in hand.

Sanchez: Did you see the way she was smiling?? That bitch is up to something…

*Phone’s ringing.*

2 months ago with 0 notes